Care and Feeding of your Introvert

The last time I mentioned to a friend that I was introverted, he turned around and stared at me as if I’d suddenly grabbed his pet cat and taken a large bite out of its soft, sweet underbelly. “You can’t be an introvert,” he said, genuinely horrified. When I assured him that I was, he became almost comically sad and sympathetic. It actually felt a bit like I was telling him I’d caught scrofula or something.

I gradually discovered that in his mind, being an introvert meant that I was like the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. Introvert equalled quiet, brooding, twisted, obsessive loner, the sort of cabin-dwelling troll who owns fourteen different assault rifles and a very, very big stack of tinned beans. I assured him it was nothing like that, but he was still shaken.

In the modern psychological* sense, about 30% of the population are generally considered to be introverted, and 70% extroverted. At the simplest level, introverts are people who find it draining to socialise, and recharge with time alone or with closest companions. Extroverts are the opposite, recharged and revitalised by company, and drained by quiet time. People fall somewhere on a scale between total extroversion and total introversion** — even the wildest social butterfly needs a moment to rest now and again, and the most reclusive hermits still need a modicum of social contact.

There are other tendencies which generally accompany this broad division. Introverts often have good imaginations and rich inner worlds, and a good understanding of themselves and other people. Introverts are more likely than extroverts to be intelligent, depressed and creative; to have low self esteem and sedate clothes; and to be less assertive, happy, obese and criminal. They tend to have close friendships rather than acquaintances; strongly extroverted people may have a horde of acquaintances, but few close friends.

When it comes to interaction, introverts like to have a chance to think and observe before acting, and to be cautious with what they’re saying unless they’re with a group that they know and trust. Large social gatherings can quite easily overwhelm most introverts due to the high levels of stimulation involved.

Introversion and shyness do not go hand in hand, however. A shy person avoids social situations because of fear, and most sufferers long to be social butterflies. Introverts can be extremely outgoing for bursts of time, and often have no social anxiety, but they find the experience draining, and less rewarding than extroverts do. Introverts value social time highly, they just prefer to get deeper and more personal with a small group than to have light conversations with a range of people.

Introverts have a fairly tough time of it in Western society. Our societal structures are all highly extroverted. Aggressively assertive people are by far the most likely to succeed at work. The media is full of outgoing, bubbly types who avoid self-awareness like the plague. Top politicians are charismatic, arrogant charmers. The ideal of leisure time that we are shown is to go out on the town to busy venues full of glittering people and meet up with lots of chattering friends. To many introverts, that sounds like a good description of hell after a long week at work.

It doesn’t help that most extroverts find it hard to understand the idea of introversion. Extroverts are focussed outwards, on the world, and tend not to indulge in a whole lot of soul-searching. It is natural to them to seek company, so the idea of anyone finding that hard to manage is utterly alien. It’s a bit like having a friend who needs to spend an hour a day with their head underwater, keeping their gills wet. As any introvert growing up in an extrovert family will attest, extroverts generally falsely assume that introverts are grumpy, aloof, shy, cold, disinterested, or being superior. Usually, nothing could be further from the truth.

Most introverts are warm, kind, interesting people with a lot to offer, often including a unique view of the world. Give them the space they need, and you’ll find it greatly rewarding.

If you’re an extrovert, here are ten simple things to remember to help you get on well with the introvert in your life.

1. “No thanks” doesn’t mean your introvert thinks you — or your offer — are boring.

2. If an introvert wants to be alone, it’s a not a sign that anything is wrong. Just the opposite; for introverts, being alone is a pleasure.

3. Most introverts will be horrified by a large surprise party.

4. If an introvert has been having a good time out but suddenly goes quiet, they’ve probably just run out of steam.

5. Most introverts will want to leave the party long before you do.

6. If you want to bring an introvert out of their shell, talk about thoughts and feelings, or about a hobby they’re into, and remember to leave plenty of space for them to talk. They won’t make a hole in the conversation to talk into, so if you just keep going, they’ll let you.

7. You know how you feel about a night in the pub? That’s how introverts feel about a night reading a book, playing computer games or watching DVDs.

8. If a chore involves communicating with strangers — taking something back to a store, say — then it’ll get done faster and better if you do it instead.

9. Take it as read that most introverts aren’t going to want to sing in the karaoke / be the first on the dance-floor / go start chatting to random strangers / meet a whole bunch of your acquaintances / &c. They’ll be grateful if you don’t try to pressure them into things.

10. Do still make the offer to do group things, even if you expect your introvert to turn it down. Sometimes they will be in the mood, but low assertiveness means that they’re unlikely to ask if they can come along.

* Well, pop psychology anyway.

** People who fall in the middle are sometimes referred to as Ambiverts, if you feel the need for some useless jargon.