Shakespearean Insults: All’s Well That Ends Well

William Shakespeare may have been the Bard of Avon, and the greatest English-language writer to date, but he had a decidedly offensive streak. His insults have been popular for centuries, and there are heaps of assorted “Shakespearean Insult Generators” on the web if you can’t be bothered to string a few random Renaissance English words together. However, it can be more fun to actually go straight to the real source. In that spirit, here’s the nastiest gems from All’s Well That Ends Well. As you might guess, that’s his first play when you line them up alphabetically. I may look into others later :)

All’s Well That Ends Well is the story of a maid – Helena – who heals the King of France and, for her reward, asks for the hand of Lord Bertram in marriage. Bertram consents, then runs off to fight a war in Italy with his habitually deceitful follower Parolles, hoping that death will get him out of it. Hurt, Helena sets out on a pilgrimage and ends in Italy, where she meets Lord Bertram’s new lover, Diana. Diana and Helena swap places unknown to Bertram, who sleeps with his betrothed. He later agrees to love Helena and their unborn child. Almost half of the invective below is directed at Parolles.

All's Well That Ends Well by Photobunny

• Little Helen, farewell; if I can remember thee, I will think of thee at court.
• The complaints I have heard of you I do not all believe; ’tis my slowness that I do not, for I know you lack not folly to commit them and have ability enough to make such knaveries yours.
• You would answer very well to a whipping.
• Scurvy, old, filthy, scurvy lord!
• Methink’st thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee. I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon thee.
• You are not worth another word, else I’d call you knave.
• France is a dog-hole, and it no more merits the tread of a man’s foot.
• She is too mean to have her name repeated.
• He’s a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker, the owner of no one good quality.
• I spoke with her but once, and found her wondrous cold.
• For I knew the young Count to be a dangerous and  lascivious boy, who is a whale to virginity, and devours up all  the fry it finds.
• Drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will be swine-drunk; and in his sleep he does little harm, save to his bedclothes about him.
• He hath out-villain’d villainy so far that the rarity redeems him.
• He excels his brother for a coward; yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is. In a retreat he outruns any lackey: marry, in coming on he has the cramp.
• Use the carp as you may; for he looks like a poor, decayed, ingenious, foolish, rascally knave.
• I saw the man today, if man he be.
• This woman’s an easy glove, my lord; she goes off and on at pleasure.